Me Meme

[radiantbaby]

Hell, why not? Ganked from everyone and their mother...

The problem with LJ: We all think we are so close, but really we know nothing about each other. So I want you to ask me something you think you should know about me. Something that should be obvious, but you have no idea about. Ask away.

Then post this in your LJ and find out what people don't know about you.

Comments

[darthbecca.livejournal.com]

The last time I spoke with you in any great detail, we talked some about polyamory.

It's been several months since that point. How do you feel like you're doing as far as polyamory is concerned, and are there any key things that have happened to you as turning points, or specific events that make you either a) change your opinion or your way of reacting to a situation, or b) realize that you had in fact accomplished a mental shift from how you would have responded in the situation before (you know, like an "atta girl!!")?

[radiantbaby.livejournal.com]

It's funny because I feel very different than I used to, but I think it happened more in gradual shifts than in very intense ones (sort of like I look down on my path and think, "Wow, I have come a lot farther than I expected).

It's funny because I saved every email I wrote regarding poly to you, justben, or whoever, and it's interesting when I read them now and see how much things have changed. I am not going to say that I am perfect in any way, but issues such as jealousy (which was my biggest demon) have been pretty non-existent recently and a lot of my insecurites have subsided.

One thing I did learn was that a lot of my jealous moments were from a place of habit within myself. It was like I assumed on some level that was how I was "supposed" to react (from a monogamous perspective, of course) in certain poly situations, so I did. Sometimes I was feeling intense things and I didn't know what they were, so I labeled them "jealousy" out of ignorance. That is when I had to delve deeper.

justebn's relationship with feygirl really brought that out in me (well, not the *whole* relationship as I adored them together, but when he first expressed interest in dating her). I found myself starting to panic and I didn't know why. I was determined to understand it though and not just absently label it as jealousy, so I did a lot of soul-searching.

What came out of it really surprised me -- it wasn't jealousy at all, but was instead some residual insecurities from my previous experience of justben in a relationship. Specifically, justben's previous proclivity to be unable to balance the needs of two lovers. An example was that when we would go to a "play" party, justben would desexualize me and put up a wall between us. He would say that he would do anything with "anyone" at the party, but not me because I was already his lover. This was a difficult time for me. I mean, I didn't need him to be making love to or making out with me the whole party (or sometimes even at all, honestly), but his complete disregard of my sexuality was a bit difficult to stomach. When we realized this problem though, we had some wonderful talks and we realized things that we needed to work on. I mean, we were already going in that direction anyway, but I think the relationship with feygirl really brought it to clarity finally.

So, anyway, now things have been really good. I find myself filled with compersion *so* much more than jealousy these days (I even had a situation very recently where someone justben was with asked me if I was okay with the two of them being intimate and the question actually took me by surprise as it hadn't even occured to me to feel negative in the situation -- now *that's* progess!). I find myself very happy with my relationship with justben and my self-esteem has greatly improved (recently I saw myself for how beautiful I am and I haven't let go of that). I feel like I have grown a lot since the 21st birthday party and justben's confession in your hot tub.

Gah, sorry that was longer than I expected!

[darthbecca.livejournal.com]

Awesome, awesome!! Sounds like you're doing very well, congrats!!

[radiantbaby.livejournal.com]

Thanks! *hug*