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So, after a few weeks break, the newest cycle of (Atlanta Rollergirls) Rec League started. The first practice was last Sunday. I thought I had it in the bag -- I spent the night before doing lots of self-care, I planned out the next morning before thoroughly so as to not stress out, I gave myself plenty of breathing room and time to get ready, and all looked good until about 15 minutes before leaving I cycled into paralyzing anxiety. It sucked lots, but the good thing is that I journaled through it (I may post it here sometime, we'll see) and made it a point to -- instead of just getting swept away in the feelings -- try to figure out what I was feeling and name it, to better understand what was triggering me.
( Bits and pieces about that. Feel free to skip. )
So, anyway, I talked about all of this with my therapist on Wednesday and she gave me some more derby-themed homework (before it was just to journal about it, whenever I was feeling anxious or self-critical). It's going to be scary, but I'm going to do my best to follow through with it.
+ First, unless I have a valid reason not to (prior engagement, out of town, illness*, etc), I can't miss practice. Part of my issue is that I have the choice to go and considering that when I'm feeling crippling anxiety over going and then intense relief (later followed by disappointment, but definite strong relief at first) when I let myself skip it, it makes a bit of sense that I give in and not go. I'm rewarding negative thought patterns and that only feeds the anxiety more (because I miss more practices and feel really behind and out of practice and it just feeds on itself like a vicious cycle). My friends and even![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
justben seem to just say 'just go, its not that hard', but they don't know THE BIG DEAL I make going in my head. Still, even if I'm shaking and terrified, I need to get in the car and just GET THERE. Even if I only make it to the parking lot, I've made it further than usual. Then I just need to force myself out of the car and into the building!
+ Once there, I need to chat with (i.e. small talk) at least two people and say hello to as many people as possible. My therapist brought up the fact that one of the reasons I'm in derby is to make friends, but its hard to do so if I'M NEVER THERE. This terrifies me because not only do I have the weird anxiety issues stated above, but I am very shy and socially anxious, so just small talk with people can really unsettle me. But, if I start to make friends in Rec League, a) I begin to have more of a support system to help me with these anxieties and b) once I get more comfortable with everyone, I won't be so caught up in my weird need to be perfect for them for validation. So, as hard as this will be, I'm going to try it.
+ Green Light | Yellow Light | Red Light. This is about participation. The thing is, as you can imagine, when I do actually get to practice, I get so bent up about failing that I sometimes hang back from participating more than I would like. This really bothers me in my better moments, but in the thick of it, I'm usually just so scared of screwing up (and what that might mean for my 'value' as a person, I suppose). So, my therapist says that with everything I think I can do (even if I'm not remotely ace at it), I have to do it (barring any weird things that stop me, like asthma attacks or arrhythmia). That is a green light thing. Anything I'm really not sure about, like it might be above my skill set, I need to try at least half the times (so, say, if we're doing a relay and going back and forth 6 times, I need to at least do it 3 times). That is a yellow light thing. If it's something that I really think there is no way I can manage, that is a red light and I can sit it out. The catch is that I can only have 2 red lights per practice, so if I've already used them and another comes along, I have to at least give it a go anyway. This is actually all quite frightening to me, but I'm going to try. I'm also not sure how it will work in how the practices are laid out, but we'll see.
+ And finally, VOICE YOUR FEARS. If I'm on the sidelines, due to a yellow light or red light thing or whatever, if someone asks 'Are you all right?' or 'Aren't you joining in?' (both have happened to me a fair bit of times at past practices), I have to be honest and say aloud that I am scared and/or that I'm not sure I can do it. I can even add a nervous laugh, but I have to confess if I'm afraid OUT LOUD, because, my therapist says, keeping that fear inside only makes it fester inside you, but when its spoken, it can lose its power. If I say I'm afraid, that gives the other players an opportunity to say 'It's okay, I'm scared to death, too' or 'Don't worry if you mess up, we all have challenges' or 'You can do it' or whatever. Obviously, they could judge me negatively, but in the light of day, when I'm not feeling anxious, I can be pretty sure that those girls are more likely to be supportive.
So, there we go. My homework. Let's see where things go from here.
*worried, but optimistic*
* Weirdly, I was all set to go practice tonight, but I've been sick as a dog all day with lots of nausea. Part of me wonders if I somehow made myself sick with nerves, subconsciously. I have no idea, but it sucks. :(
( Bits and pieces about that. Feel free to skip. )
So, anyway, I talked about all of this with my therapist on Wednesday and she gave me some more derby-themed homework (before it was just to journal about it, whenever I was feeling anxious or self-critical). It's going to be scary, but I'm going to do my best to follow through with it.
+ First, unless I have a valid reason not to (prior engagement, out of town, illness*, etc), I can't miss practice. Part of my issue is that I have the choice to go and considering that when I'm feeling crippling anxiety over going and then intense relief (later followed by disappointment, but definite strong relief at first) when I let myself skip it, it makes a bit of sense that I give in and not go. I'm rewarding negative thought patterns and that only feeds the anxiety more (because I miss more practices and feel really behind and out of practice and it just feeds on itself like a vicious cycle). My friends and even
justben seem to just say 'just go, its not that hard', but they don't know THE BIG DEAL I make going in my head. Still, even if I'm shaking and terrified, I need to get in the car and just GET THERE. Even if I only make it to the parking lot, I've made it further than usual. Then I just need to force myself out of the car and into the building!+ Once there, I need to chat with (i.e. small talk) at least two people and say hello to as many people as possible. My therapist brought up the fact that one of the reasons I'm in derby is to make friends, but its hard to do so if I'M NEVER THERE. This terrifies me because not only do I have the weird anxiety issues stated above, but I am very shy and socially anxious, so just small talk with people can really unsettle me. But, if I start to make friends in Rec League, a) I begin to have more of a support system to help me with these anxieties and b) once I get more comfortable with everyone, I won't be so caught up in my weird need to be perfect for them for validation. So, as hard as this will be, I'm going to try it.
+ Green Light | Yellow Light | Red Light. This is about participation. The thing is, as you can imagine, when I do actually get to practice, I get so bent up about failing that I sometimes hang back from participating more than I would like. This really bothers me in my better moments, but in the thick of it, I'm usually just so scared of screwing up (and what that might mean for my 'value' as a person, I suppose). So, my therapist says that with everything I think I can do (even if I'm not remotely ace at it), I have to do it (barring any weird things that stop me, like asthma attacks or arrhythmia). That is a green light thing. Anything I'm really not sure about, like it might be above my skill set, I need to try at least half the times (so, say, if we're doing a relay and going back and forth 6 times, I need to at least do it 3 times). That is a yellow light thing. If it's something that I really think there is no way I can manage, that is a red light and I can sit it out. The catch is that I can only have 2 red lights per practice, so if I've already used them and another comes along, I have to at least give it a go anyway. This is actually all quite frightening to me, but I'm going to try. I'm also not sure how it will work in how the practices are laid out, but we'll see.
+ And finally, VOICE YOUR FEARS. If I'm on the sidelines, due to a yellow light or red light thing or whatever, if someone asks 'Are you all right?' or 'Aren't you joining in?' (both have happened to me a fair bit of times at past practices), I have to be honest and say aloud that I am scared and/or that I'm not sure I can do it. I can even add a nervous laugh, but I have to confess if I'm afraid OUT LOUD, because, my therapist says, keeping that fear inside only makes it fester inside you, but when its spoken, it can lose its power. If I say I'm afraid, that gives the other players an opportunity to say 'It's okay, I'm scared to death, too' or 'Don't worry if you mess up, we all have challenges' or 'You can do it' or whatever. Obviously, they could judge me negatively, but in the light of day, when I'm not feeling anxious, I can be pretty sure that those girls are more likely to be supportive.
So, there we go. My homework. Let's see where things go from here.
*worried, but optimistic*
* Weirdly, I was all set to go practice tonight, but I've been sick as a dog all day with lots of nausea. Part of me wonders if I somehow made myself sick with nerves, subconsciously. I have no idea, but it sucks. :(
