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radiantbabySo, after a few weeks break, the newest cycle of (Atlanta Rollergirls) Rec League started. The first practice was last Sunday. I thought I had it in the bag -- I spent the night before doing lots of self-care, I planned out the next morning before thoroughly so as to not stress out, I gave myself plenty of breathing room and time to get ready, and all looked good until about 15 minutes before leaving I cycled into paralyzing anxiety. It sucked lots, but the good thing is that I journaled through it (I may post it here sometime, we'll see) and made it a point to -- instead of just getting swept away in the feelings -- try to figure out what I was feeling and name it, to better understand what was triggering me.
What came out of said journaling was no big surprise for me, but it was nice to finally attach a name to it. The TL;DR version is that I was raised with the belief system that if you can't do something well, there is no point in doing it. This is especially the case in sports. If you're not the best, you're just wasting the trainer's/coach's time and you have no value (and, for my father, are not worthy of love/affection).
This probably sounds ridiculous (it does to me, honestly -- well, the rational part of me, at least), but it was what I was (possibly unintentionally) taught to me by my father from the age of 5ish when I started sports until I finally quit them when I was about 14-15. This coupled with the fact that I was always under intense scrutiny from him (every ride home from a game consisted of nothing but a litany of everything I'd done wrong in the game and how I'd failed and never any sort of praise that I recall), my young and very sensitive, impressionable self had taken some really screwed up ideas on board as doctrine.
It's only come up now that I never learned to deal with it back then. I simply quit. That was safe. JUST DON'T GO TO THE GAMES/PRACTICES AND NO WILL DEVALUE YOU. That got me out of the woods then, of course, but those same fears have crept back up and are now informing how I participate (or not) in sports (derby) now. And, to be fair, I think I might be able to handle it in better circumstances, but since I'm already vulnerable from months of depression eating away at me, I suppose I was ripe for the whole nightmare of those feelings to rush back to the surface, POWERFUL AS ALL HELL.
So, anyway, as weird as that sounds to some (all?) of you, that is a big part of what freezes me and keeps me from going to practice most days. I don't want to look bad, I don't want to fail or mess up, because somewhere in my child-brain, despite my adult-brain knowing that mistakes aren't a bad thing, I think being perfect is all I can be and otherwise, no one will ever value me. I think if I can't be the best, I have no reason even showing up.
The up side is that as I talk/write about it aloud, it begins to take away its power. I can see it and say, 'Wow, that makes no sense, Nicole. Of course, people value you, even if you make mistakes'. The voices -- positive and negative -- are warring right now, but if all goes well, the positive ones will win.
So, anyway, I talked about all of this with my therapist on Wednesday and she gave me some more derby-themed homework (before it was just to journal about it, whenever I was feeling anxious or self-critical). It's going to be scary, but I'm going to do my best to follow through with it.
+ First, unless I have a valid reason not to (prior engagement, out of town, illness*, etc), I can't miss practice. Part of my issue is that I have the choice to go and considering that when I'm feeling crippling anxiety over going and then intense relief (later followed by disappointment, but definite strong relief at first) when I let myself skip it, it makes a bit of sense that I give in and not go. I'm rewarding negative thought patterns and that only feeds the anxiety more (because I miss more practices and feel really behind and out of practice and it just feeds on itself like a vicious cycle). My friends and even![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
justben seem to just say 'just go, its not that hard', but they don't know THE BIG DEAL I make going in my head. Still, even if I'm shaking and terrified, I need to get in the car and just GET THERE. Even if I only make it to the parking lot, I've made it further than usual. Then I just need to force myself out of the car and into the building!
+ Once there, I need to chat with (i.e. small talk) at least two people and say hello to as many people as possible. My therapist brought up the fact that one of the reasons I'm in derby is to make friends, but its hard to do so if I'M NEVER THERE. This terrifies me because not only do I have the weird anxiety issues stated above, but I am very shy and socially anxious, so just small talk with people can really unsettle me. But, if I start to make friends in Rec League, a) I begin to have more of a support system to help me with these anxieties and b) once I get more comfortable with everyone, I won't be so caught up in my weird need to be perfect for them for validation. So, as hard as this will be, I'm going to try it.
+ Green Light | Yellow Light | Red Light. This is about participation. The thing is, as you can imagine, when I do actually get to practice, I get so bent up about failing that I sometimes hang back from participating more than I would like. This really bothers me in my better moments, but in the thick of it, I'm usually just so scared of screwing up (and what that might mean for my 'value' as a person, I suppose). So, my therapist says that with everything I think I can do (even if I'm not remotely ace at it), I have to do it (barring any weird things that stop me, like asthma attacks or arrhythmia). That is a green light thing. Anything I'm really not sure about, like it might be above my skill set, I need to try at least half the times (so, say, if we're doing a relay and going back and forth 6 times, I need to at least do it 3 times). That is a yellow light thing. If it's something that I really think there is no way I can manage, that is a red light and I can sit it out. The catch is that I can only have 2 red lights per practice, so if I've already used them and another comes along, I have to at least give it a go anyway. This is actually all quite frightening to me, but I'm going to try. I'm also not sure how it will work in how the practices are laid out, but we'll see.
+ And finally, VOICE YOUR FEARS. If I'm on the sidelines, due to a yellow light or red light thing or whatever, if someone asks 'Are you all right?' or 'Aren't you joining in?' (both have happened to me a fair bit of times at past practices), I have to be honest and say aloud that I am scared and/or that I'm not sure I can do it. I can even add a nervous laugh, but I have to confess if I'm afraid OUT LOUD, because, my therapist says, keeping that fear inside only makes it fester inside you, but when its spoken, it can lose its power. If I say I'm afraid, that gives the other players an opportunity to say 'It's okay, I'm scared to death, too' or 'Don't worry if you mess up, we all have challenges' or 'You can do it' or whatever. Obviously, they could judge me negatively, but in the light of day, when I'm not feeling anxious, I can be pretty sure that those girls are more likely to be supportive.
So, there we go. My homework. Let's see where things go from here.
*worried, but optimistic*
* Weirdly, I was all set to go practice tonight, but I've been sick as a dog all day with lots of nausea. Part of me wonders if I somehow made myself sick with nerves, subconsciously. I have no idea, but it sucks. :(
What came out of said journaling was no big surprise for me, but it was nice to finally attach a name to it. The TL;DR version is that I was raised with the belief system that if you can't do something well, there is no point in doing it. This is especially the case in sports. If you're not the best, you're just wasting the trainer's/coach's time and you have no value (and, for my father, are not worthy of love/affection).
This probably sounds ridiculous (it does to me, honestly -- well, the rational part of me, at least), but it was what I was (possibly unintentionally) taught to me by my father from the age of 5ish when I started sports until I finally quit them when I was about 14-15. This coupled with the fact that I was always under intense scrutiny from him (every ride home from a game consisted of nothing but a litany of everything I'd done wrong in the game and how I'd failed and never any sort of praise that I recall), my young and very sensitive, impressionable self had taken some really screwed up ideas on board as doctrine.
It's only come up now that I never learned to deal with it back then. I simply quit. That was safe. JUST DON'T GO TO THE GAMES/PRACTICES AND NO WILL DEVALUE YOU. That got me out of the woods then, of course, but those same fears have crept back up and are now informing how I participate (or not) in sports (derby) now. And, to be fair, I think I might be able to handle it in better circumstances, but since I'm already vulnerable from months of depression eating away at me, I suppose I was ripe for the whole nightmare of those feelings to rush back to the surface, POWERFUL AS ALL HELL.
So, anyway, as weird as that sounds to some (all?) of you, that is a big part of what freezes me and keeps me from going to practice most days. I don't want to look bad, I don't want to fail or mess up, because somewhere in my child-brain, despite my adult-brain knowing that mistakes aren't a bad thing, I think being perfect is all I can be and otherwise, no one will ever value me. I think if I can't be the best, I have no reason even showing up.
The up side is that as I talk/write about it aloud, it begins to take away its power. I can see it and say, 'Wow, that makes no sense, Nicole. Of course, people value you, even if you make mistakes'. The voices -- positive and negative -- are warring right now, but if all goes well, the positive ones will win.
So, anyway, I talked about all of this with my therapist on Wednesday and she gave me some more derby-themed homework (before it was just to journal about it, whenever I was feeling anxious or self-critical). It's going to be scary, but I'm going to do my best to follow through with it.
+ First, unless I have a valid reason not to (prior engagement, out of town, illness*, etc), I can't miss practice. Part of my issue is that I have the choice to go and considering that when I'm feeling crippling anxiety over going and then intense relief (later followed by disappointment, but definite strong relief at first) when I let myself skip it, it makes a bit of sense that I give in and not go. I'm rewarding negative thought patterns and that only feeds the anxiety more (because I miss more practices and feel really behind and out of practice and it just feeds on itself like a vicious cycle). My friends and even
justben seem to just say 'just go, its not that hard', but they don't know THE BIG DEAL I make going in my head. Still, even if I'm shaking and terrified, I need to get in the car and just GET THERE. Even if I only make it to the parking lot, I've made it further than usual. Then I just need to force myself out of the car and into the building!+ Once there, I need to chat with (i.e. small talk) at least two people and say hello to as many people as possible. My therapist brought up the fact that one of the reasons I'm in derby is to make friends, but its hard to do so if I'M NEVER THERE. This terrifies me because not only do I have the weird anxiety issues stated above, but I am very shy and socially anxious, so just small talk with people can really unsettle me. But, if I start to make friends in Rec League, a) I begin to have more of a support system to help me with these anxieties and b) once I get more comfortable with everyone, I won't be so caught up in my weird need to be perfect for them for validation. So, as hard as this will be, I'm going to try it.
+ Green Light | Yellow Light | Red Light. This is about participation. The thing is, as you can imagine, when I do actually get to practice, I get so bent up about failing that I sometimes hang back from participating more than I would like. This really bothers me in my better moments, but in the thick of it, I'm usually just so scared of screwing up (and what that might mean for my 'value' as a person, I suppose). So, my therapist says that with everything I think I can do (even if I'm not remotely ace at it), I have to do it (barring any weird things that stop me, like asthma attacks or arrhythmia). That is a green light thing. Anything I'm really not sure about, like it might be above my skill set, I need to try at least half the times (so, say, if we're doing a relay and going back and forth 6 times, I need to at least do it 3 times). That is a yellow light thing. If it's something that I really think there is no way I can manage, that is a red light and I can sit it out. The catch is that I can only have 2 red lights per practice, so if I've already used them and another comes along, I have to at least give it a go anyway. This is actually all quite frightening to me, but I'm going to try. I'm also not sure how it will work in how the practices are laid out, but we'll see.
+ And finally, VOICE YOUR FEARS. If I'm on the sidelines, due to a yellow light or red light thing or whatever, if someone asks 'Are you all right?' or 'Aren't you joining in?' (both have happened to me a fair bit of times at past practices), I have to be honest and say aloud that I am scared and/or that I'm not sure I can do it. I can even add a nervous laugh, but I have to confess if I'm afraid OUT LOUD, because, my therapist says, keeping that fear inside only makes it fester inside you, but when its spoken, it can lose its power. If I say I'm afraid, that gives the other players an opportunity to say 'It's okay, I'm scared to death, too' or 'Don't worry if you mess up, we all have challenges' or 'You can do it' or whatever. Obviously, they could judge me negatively, but in the light of day, when I'm not feeling anxious, I can be pretty sure that those girls are more likely to be supportive.
So, there we go. My homework. Let's see where things go from here.
*worried, but optimistic*
* Weirdly, I was all set to go practice tonight, but I've been sick as a dog all day with lots of nausea. Part of me wonders if I somehow made myself sick with nerves, subconsciously. I have no idea, but it sucks. :(
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no subject
Date: 2012-08-19 02:22 am (UTC)Here's two things I can tell you, as a sorta old timer now:
Such a large percentage of us come into the sport with no clue what we are doing. Oh my gosh--If you had to be good coming in the door, I can't tell you how many amazing players we would have never seen. Teflon Donna on Team USA? She told me that when she went to her first practice she was clinging to the walls, terrified. Just...utter terror.
Also, so many people there are lost in their own problems that they really don't notice anything you might hang onto as your "mistakes" or sticking out or whatever else. I'm always amazed (and frustrated) to hear people I think are great skaters talking themselves down after practice. I think they are awesome. I think our Fresh Meat who come in and do their best are awesome--especially when we see them take a big leap forward. But a lot of skaters get stuck inside their own head. I don't encourage it--but it is useful at this point when you think people might be watching you.
I haven't been on LJ as much--but message me if you need a confidence boost before or after practice. I will be your long distance derby big sis if you need one.
no subject
Date: 2012-08-23 06:18 am (UTC)I'd love a long distance derby big sis, so you might be hearing from me sometime soon on that count! :)
no subject
Date: 2012-08-21 10:01 am (UTC)I wish you all the best with your goals. Your note at the end struck a chord with me, as I suffer a lot from anxiety, and one of my main anxiety symptoms is nausea. It is very crappy indeed. I take anti-nausea drugs when it's bad, but of course the best thing is to control the anxiety (which is easier said then done!) Anyway, I hope you are feeling better :)
no subject
Date: 2012-08-23 06:40 am (UTC)Yep! Here's some videos to get you acquainted (if you're curious -- you don't have to watch them, of course!). Not sure if any are region-locked (you're in the UK, yes?):
+ The Basics of Flat Track Roller Derby (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2W2b1WBmm4): Just a 2-minute-ish vid that does what it says on the tin.
+ ARG on the News (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DZ0P1swXzb4): This is a short news-spot on the Atlanta Rollergirls. It's a bit dorky (the newcasters/news-readers make me cringe), but I like seeing our league on the telly. I'm not in it, since I'm just a newbie, but still.
+ Texas Rollergirls: Texas is the Reason (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GF7kH78AKW8): Austin, TX is the birthplace of modern roller derby and still the heart of things for many derby rollergirls. I like this short video because it just seems to encapsulate the spirit of the sport.
Your note at the end struck a chord with me, as I suffer a lot from anxiety, and one of my main anxiety symptoms is nausea. It is very crappy indeed. I take anti-nausea drugs when it's bad, but of course the best thing is to control the anxiety (which is easier said then done!)
I didn't realize it was an actual symptom. That makes a lot of sense. I might try to keep some anti-nausea drugs on hand myself. Sorry to hear you also have trouble with anxiety. I wish you well on that, too. *hug*
no subject
Date: 2012-08-23 03:39 pm (UTC)Thanks for your well-wishes! *hugs back* I had a bad time of it last year but am doing much better now. I have Domperidone on prescription, but I think that's not available in the US. Pills like Dramamine for travel sickness (which I also get, hooray!) also work well. Sometimes just knowing they are available is enough to help keep symptoms away. I hope you are able to carry on with the sport you enjoy without anxiety getting too much in the way.