It's funny because I feel very different than I used to, but I think it happened more in gradual shifts than in very intense ones (sort of like I look down on my path and think, "Wow, I have come a lot farther than I expected).
It's funny because I saved every email I wrote regarding poly to you, justben, or whoever, and it's interesting when I read them now and see how much things have changed. I am not going to say that I am perfect in any way, but issues such as jealousy (which was my biggest demon) have been pretty non-existent recently and a lot of my insecurites have subsided.
One thing I did learn was that a lot of my jealous moments were from a place of habit within myself. It was like I assumed on some level that was how I was "supposed" to react (from a monogamous perspective, of course) in certain poly situations, so I did. Sometimes I was feeling intense things and I didn't know what they were, so I labeled them "jealousy" out of ignorance. That is when I had to delve deeper.
justebn's relationship with feygirl really brought that out in me (well, not the *whole* relationship as I adored them together, but when he first expressed interest in dating her). I found myself starting to panic and I didn't know why. I was determined to understand it though and not just absently label it as jealousy, so I did a lot of soul-searching.
What came out of it really surprised me -- it wasn't jealousy at all, but was instead some residual insecurities from my previous experience of justben in a relationship. Specifically, justben's previous proclivity to be unable to balance the needs of two lovers. An example was that when we would go to a "play" party, justben would desexualize me and put up a wall between us. He would say that he would do anything with "anyone" at the party, but not me because I was already his lover. This was a difficult time for me. I mean, I didn't need him to be making love to or making out with me the whole party (or sometimes even at all, honestly), but his complete disregard of my sexuality was a bit difficult to stomach. When we realized this problem though, we had some wonderful talks and we realized things that we needed to work on. I mean, we were already going in that direction anyway, but I think the relationship with feygirl really brought it to clarity finally.
So, anyway, now things have been really good. I find myself filled with compersion *so* much more than jealousy these days (I even had a situation very recently where someone justben was with asked me if I was okay with the two of them being intimate and the question actually took me by surprise as it hadn't even occured to me to feel negative in the situation -- now *that's* progess!). I find myself very happy with my relationship with justben and my self-esteem has greatly improved (recently I saw myself for how beautiful I am and I haven't let go of that). I feel like I have grown a lot since the 21st birthday party and justben's confession in your hot tub.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-01-10 01:35 am (UTC)It's funny because I saved every email I wrote regarding poly to you,
One thing I did learn was that a lot of my jealous moments were from a place of habit within myself. It was like I assumed on some level that was how I was "supposed" to react (from a monogamous perspective, of course) in certain poly situations, so I did. Sometimes I was feeling intense things and I didn't know what they were, so I labeled them "jealousy" out of ignorance. That is when I had to delve deeper.
What came out of it really surprised me -- it wasn't jealousy at all, but was instead some residual insecurities from my previous experience of
So, anyway, now things have been really good. I find myself filled with compersion *so* much more than jealousy these days (I even had a situation very recently where someone
Gah, sorry that was longer than I expected!