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"i wish we were stuck up a tree..."
Jun. 28th, 2003 12:46 amokay, i got spammed this by my aunt, but it was actually rather interesting. see for yourself.
( what tree did *you* fall from? )
( what tree did *you* fall from? )
Jun. 28th, 2003
my heart on my sleeve...
Jun. 28th, 2003 01:15 pmokay, so there's nothing on the television so i am watching some show on MTV called "made." its actually making me a bit sad. this episode is about a teenage girl who is a massive tomboy, but all she wants is to be a "beauty queen" and all the guys to think she's "hot." i certainly empathize with her. i have always been quite a tomboy myself and though i have attempted to slightly "feminize" myself, i always feel so fake trying to do so and the guys still end up thinking of me as just one of the guys anyway.
i didn't think that when i turned 30, that i would begin to feel all the feelings i'd been fearing. if you'd asked me at 29 about being single, i wouldn't have cared, but now for the first time, i am really starting to think that something might truly be wrong with me and maybe i will never marry. i mean, don't get me wrong, i am not looking at every man as some sort of marraige potential, in fact the whole idea of marraige turns me off a bit at this point in my life. i just think, "where am i going to be in ten years? will i still be single? am i on the road to being an old spinster?"
i can't figure it all out, but i can't keep a man to save my life. sure, i can sleep with them - that is all easy. i mean, i get that without any real problems. getting a man to really love me and devote himself to me - now that is a totally different story.
i could understand perhaps if i were some monster, but i like to think i am actually a good catch. i think that i have a lot to offer a man and i think that i am rather unique from a lot of girls. maybe (probably) i am completely wrong, but i think if i were a guy, i think that i would want me. still, there is something about me that keeps men from loving me. its like two magnets forever polarized against one another, never to be flipped to stick together.
i don't know what i am saying, i think i am just terribly depressed over the loss of my dear friend eric. i am learning that loving someone unconditionally (be it platonically or romantically) is not always returned. i am learning that even when i think things are going great, they could (and usually do) go terribly wrong at any moment.
i feel so alone right now its hard to make myself leave the house, outside of work. i am terrified to make friends or just meet more people, because i don't want them to abandon me as well. i am afraid to let those walls down for anyone these days.
in the end, hell, i just want answers. i just want to know why am i cursed to live this life alone?
i didn't think that when i turned 30, that i would begin to feel all the feelings i'd been fearing. if you'd asked me at 29 about being single, i wouldn't have cared, but now for the first time, i am really starting to think that something might truly be wrong with me and maybe i will never marry. i mean, don't get me wrong, i am not looking at every man as some sort of marraige potential, in fact the whole idea of marraige turns me off a bit at this point in my life. i just think, "where am i going to be in ten years? will i still be single? am i on the road to being an old spinster?"
i can't figure it all out, but i can't keep a man to save my life. sure, i can sleep with them - that is all easy. i mean, i get that without any real problems. getting a man to really love me and devote himself to me - now that is a totally different story.
i could understand perhaps if i were some monster, but i like to think i am actually a good catch. i think that i have a lot to offer a man and i think that i am rather unique from a lot of girls. maybe (probably) i am completely wrong, but i think if i were a guy, i think that i would want me. still, there is something about me that keeps men from loving me. its like two magnets forever polarized against one another, never to be flipped to stick together.
i don't know what i am saying, i think i am just terribly depressed over the loss of my dear friend eric. i am learning that loving someone unconditionally (be it platonically or romantically) is not always returned. i am learning that even when i think things are going great, they could (and usually do) go terribly wrong at any moment.
i feel so alone right now its hard to make myself leave the house, outside of work. i am terrified to make friends or just meet more people, because i don't want them to abandon me as well. i am afraid to let those walls down for anyone these days.
in the end, hell, i just want answers. i just want to know why am i cursed to live this life alone?
